Today on our walk, I passed by one of my neighbors who is getting ready to have her second daughter. After the general questions like, “How are you feeling?” and “Is there anything you need?” she asked me if James was indeed gone. I told her yes and that I was doing well. She replied, “You’re always doing good! Are you always doing good or are you just saying that?”
I was a little caught off guard by her question at first. I mean, I don’t really know her so I was being polite in saying that I was doing just fine. Its not like I was going to collapse to my knees and cry out, “I’m miserable!!!” So, I told her that of course I have my moments and Evelyn and I have our days (yesterday was one of those days. Geeeeez, that child would not take a nap!), but her question got me thinking- how am I really doing?
I haven’t put much thought into, well, me since James has been gone. I’ve been trying to keep as busy as possible and I guess I’ve just neglected to put time into thinking about how I’m really feeling. Its easier just to keep going. After all, there isn’t a whole lot I can do about him being gone short of flying to his FOB (yeah, seriously, I wish…anybody have a C130 I can borrow?).
So I decided to sit down and really think about what’s going on in this crazy brain of mine. And what I figured out is that I’m not dealing with the change as well as I thought. My defense mechanism for dealing with the loneliness has been to basically pretend that he’s going to be home next week. In turn, I find myself creating list after list of things for me to do. Here’s the kicker though- once I get these ideas in my head I have to do them RIGHT NOW. No, the closets, bathrooms, and every drawer in the kitchen cannot wait to be organized. It has to be done NOW. Because, after all, James is going to be home…oh, that’s right, half past never.
I need to give myself a break. I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to keep busy 100% of the day. I’ve been exhausted each day instead of full of energy like I need to be for Evelyn. And its reflecting in my communications to James. It hit me hard when he told me that my emails were always talking about how hard the day was and how tired I am. And who do I have to blame for that but myself? I have several months to organize the closets, bathrooms, and every drawer in the kitchen. And even if I finish organizing the closets, bathrooms, and every drawer in the kitchen RIGHT NOW, James won’t magically appear.
Why run myself ragged? That only makes this deployment even harder because I’m always tired. With this epiphany I decided to make a to-do list with only 3 things on it each day. Hopefully that will help spread out my crazy for several days instead of stockpiling it into one…
With that being said, this chick is having a glass of wine and going to bed!