Now there’s a balloon in my uterus.

I know you all are just dying to know about that measly old troll from my uterus. Well, I had surgery a few days ago and this is what we found:

Troll- Dora

Oh no, wait. That’s the grumpy old troll from Dora. That chick is flippin every where in this house.

I’m not going to show you the real pictures of my uterine troll because that would be weird. And gross. And really weird. Instead I’ll just tell you what they saw.

*If you all have been following my story, you know that I went in for a diagnostic/operative hysteroscopy. Basically they dilated me and shoved a camera up there to see all that there was to see in the holy land.  If they found something they had to removed or needed to repair, they were going to do so. Check out the link above to read how we got here so far, and about my journey through recurrent pregnancy loss*

So after a comfortable 4 hour wait where I couldn’t eat or drink anything (and hadn’t since midnight before, and J didn’t eat in front of me because he’s awesome like that/I would have probably jumped him) we finally went back for surgery. But then we waited another hour or two until I *actually* went back to surgery. In between that time the rookie anesthesiologist just about made me faint from trying to insert my IV. Great start.

Finally they give me my cocktail for a med induced nap, and I’m out before I really recognize that I’m in the OR. About 45 minutes later (or so they say) I was in recovery. Easy-peasy.

Well, not so much. I really, truly thought that this surgery would be like my D&C. They’d go in there, grab what they needed to, be out and I would have virtually no pain. Not-uh, not this time. I woke up feeling like I was in LABOR. I had such bad cramps and the meds they were sticking in my IV were not working. On top of that, my doctor couldn’t get upstairs to talk to me because the Prez himself decided he needed a doctor’s appointment or something because the whole place when on lockdown.

Finally the meds kick in and I’m transferred to discharge. Its another hour or so before the doctor comes up to speak with me about what they found and what they did in there.

J had told me when I was in recovery that the doctor called and said what they had seen in the ultrasound a couple weeks prior was scar tissue. We are assuming its from m D&C because I’ve never had any other surgery that far north. The doctor explained that  they had snipped the tissue and inserted a balloon in there to keep the tissue from reforming where it was before. I go back in a week to have the balloon removed. In the meantime I am on ibuprofen for the pain, as well as Estradiol for the next 30 days to help the healing process.  Eventually I will start taking progesterone and then Provera to help jumpstart my first cycle after surgery. J and I were instructed to wait one full cycle before we start trying again.

I am conflicted in my feelings about the outcome of this surgery. Of course our biggest worry when the doctor said he found an “unidentifiable mass” was  cancer. So its pretty good that its not that. But I also kind of wanted to it be *something* that was maybe causing the miscarriages. As J put it, we wanted a scaepgoat for why all this was happening. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. Since the scar tissue probably came from my D&C, it obviously cannot be the reason for the three previous miscarriages. ALL of my labs, and J’s chromosomes, came back normal (except for my MTHFR which they said really isn’t a reason for concern since I only have one mutated copy). So right now, we are deemed as having “unexplained secondary infertility.” At this point we are told to “keep trying.” We have a 50/50 chance of having a successful next pregnancy until miscarriage #6. At that time, the odds go down but I’m not sure how far. I didn’t want to ask.

I feel like we are kind of back to square one. I feel like the surgery wasn’t totally necessary but I’m glad we are taking the steps we need to to make things go smoothly the next time, whenever that may be. As always, the waiting game is the hardest. Its hard to wait until I’m off these meds. Its hard to wait one FULL cycle to start trying. It all sucks, especially when E was so easy.

At least I’m documenting all the work we are doing to give E a sibling so that when/if he/she arrives, they can automatically feel guilty about taking so long.

I kid. Kind of.

PS- Thanks to my awesome parents to helping us with E these past couple days . Recovery would have sucked with out you! And of course, thanks to my amaaaaazing husband for being my biggest shoulder to lean on through all of this. From the days when I’ve been crazy with worry to the nights I have cried myself to sleep, you have been there with chocolate and hugs on hand. I love you!

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My “Run for a Warrior” Pledge

As some of you may now, my miscarriages in the past year have prompted me to do things I have been wanting to do but have put off because of “potential” pregnancy. One of those things is running.

I have never liked running. Like, ever. But after E was born I found this great group of milspouses/women who all ran together twice a week with babies/toddlers/kids in tow- Stroller Warriors. I ran on and off with them for over a year until we PCS’d. Unfortunately, the SW here at our new duty station is flippin far away so I haven’t joined them.

Stroller Warriors

After our first miscarriage, I had this burst of “I MUST DO ALL THINGS” so J and I decided to sign up for the Warrior Dash. Then I found out I was pregnant so we didn’t. Then I miscarried a few days after I ran the furthest I ever ran before, and I decided I wasn’t going to run again until our second child was born. We PCS’d across the country and then we found out we were pregnant again. I didn’t run, I barely worked out at all, and I still miscarried at 8 weeks.

Awesome.

So then I said “F*** it” and decided it was stupid for me to put off my health and my fitness for much longer. Again, I got the burst of “I MUST DO ALL THINGS.” J and I signed up for the Marine Corps Marathon 10k and I began running again. Slowly but surely, like the tortoise.

Tortoise

It started off with me struggling to get to 3 miles. Once I got there, I struggled to get to 3 miles under 30 minutes. Then I pushed it to 4 miles, which I hadn’t done since SW. Then I made it to 5. Then 6. As I type this I can officially say I have done my first 6.2 miles- in the MCM 10k.

image

The race bug has bit me.  I loved it. Every second of it, even the parts where it was so cold I thought my fingers would fall off. Even the parts where I wanted to throw up. Even the parts where I was cursing J in my mind because he told me, “You don’t need your iPod, we can just talk while we run.”

I was recently approached by a friend with whom I ran with at SW on the west side (said “west siiiiiddeeee.” Duh). She asked me and a bunch of other runners if we would be interested in pledging a race or two to run in order to raise money for an organization called Save a Warrior.

Save a Warrior

Save a Warrior is an organization that provides a wellness retreat for veterans who have come back from war with combat-related post-traumatic stress. My friend and her husband attended a retreat after he came back from serving overseas, and they were struck by the organization’s work with Warriors.

I have pledged to run the Marine Corps Marathon Heritage Half (that’s 13 f***ing miles, people) in May of 2014 to support Save a Warrior. I am hoping to run other, smaller races before that too but right now that is my BIG pledge.  If I am pregnant and cannot run, my darling husband will run it in my stead. My goal is to raise my portion of the $10,000 donation we are looking to raise, which is $665.  If you would like to donate to our race pledge, please click the image below. It will take you to a gofundme.com site where you can donate directly to the cause.

Run for a Warrior

Whether you donate or not, please share this blog post or the Run for a Warrior Facebook page to spread the word about our race pledge and this wonderful organization. With your help, we can send 10 Warriors to Save a Warrior’s week long retreat!

Thanks, ya’ll. You rock my world.

I have a troll in my uterus.

If you follow me on Facebook, you would already know that I had this awesome procedure done on Monday. It involved this wonderful instrument:

Photo: Just walked into my doctors office for my saline sonogram to see if there are any blockages in my uterus. Like little uterus trolls or something. I will have a post up this week to tell you all the joys. This should be awesome...
#infertility, #sis, #salinesono, #wheredoyouthinkyoureputtingthatSweet.

It was called a saline sonogram or SIS. Basically, what they do is stick that giant thing in me along with a catheter filled with water to fill up my uterus to see if there are any blockages (aka trolls) in my uterus preventing me from keeping my pregnancies.

The process itself wasn’t all that painful. When the doc inserted the catheter there was a little pinch, and then I could feel the water going into my belly so that was uncomfortable. And then there was all that probing. Ugh. But all in all, I wasn’t n so much pain that I wanted to kick the doctor in the face like the *few* times I got a brazilian wax. I’d take this over a brazilian any day.

The process took about 35 minutes but I couldn’t see the screen so I had no idea what was going on. Not that I would know anyways. And then they sent me in another room because “they had to confer with another doctor.” Because that’s what you want to hear when you’re at the doctor’s office and they took a million pictures of your insides.

The doctor finally comes in and says my uterus is a “good shape” and my ovaries are a “good size.” Cool. So what was the conference about? Well, apparently I have an unidentified structure/mass in my uterus and they aren’t sure what it is. Doc said that it should have prevented me from getting pregnant at ALL so he’s surprised I had the miscarriages in the first place. But now I have to go in for surgery in a couple weeks for them to remove it and biopsy it.

You know, because it might be cancer.

If you’re anything like my parents, you probably think I’m freaking the f out. But I’m not. I walked out of there surprisingly calm. On the one hand, I’m happy they found *something* that may have caused the miscarriages. And maybe if they take this troll out, I will have safe and successful pregnancies here on out. And there is no reason for me to freak about it being cancer for the next couple weeks, because that won’t help at all. I won’t know until they get the biopsy results back.

So we will do the surgery, called a hysteroscopy, where they will go in through my who-ha with a camera and check this ugly thing out and then remove it. Its outpatient surgery but I’m still using it as a good excuse for Starbucks and not to cook that night.

I will be keeping you posted as the surgery happens and what they find out. Hopefully this is our answer!

Oh, and J and I are running our first race together on Sunday- The Marine Corps Marathon 10k. Check out my Facebook page for some updates on the race and how J had to push me in a stroller on miles 4 through 6 (probably).

 

Today I’m like those drama faces

You know, these guys:

DramaQuite a few things mark this day today. One really awesome thing and a few not so awesome things. Let’s start with the not so awesome things, since I’m a glass half empty kind of girl anyways.

October 15th is National Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Day. If you had asked me a year ago if I thought I’d be a part of this day, I would have laughed at you. Because the thought of us having one miscarriage was unfathomable after having E. Then we had two. Then three. Now I’m grouped together with the women who have experienced the same or worse things than I have. What a bummer.

pregnancy-infant-loss

If my first miscarriage pregnancy had been successful, my little one would be 6 weeks old.  It is also two days shy of my estimated due date with my second miscarriage. I would be about 20 weeks along with my third miscarriage pregnancy, and we would be getting ready to know if we were having a boy or a girl.

But none of those things are happening. Instead I will be driving the million miles to the nearest military hospital to get some more bloodwork done to see what’s going on with my broken uterus. It sucks, majorly, but this day is about so much more than that.  Instead I have called off the Amber Alert on my period because- NEWS FLASH- she arrived. It surprised me while we were on a family trip, because Aunt Flo is awesome like that. Thank God my smart mother told me to take tampons “just in case” the change of air pressure from flying swept everything out. So if your period is missing, just take a long plane ride to make her show her ugly face.

Patent pending.

BUT this day isn’t even about that. It’s about my TWO YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.

006

That’s right, she’s TWO today. Two going on twenty from her vocabulary and her attitude lately, but that is for another post.

If two years ago you asked me what October 15th would mean to me today, it wouldn’t be this. Not because of the miscarriages, even though those were unexpected. But rather it would be because of my daughter. I would never in a million years be able to dream up a little girl as wonderful as E. She’s smart, sweet, kind to her friends, lover of all things babies, and just…amazing. Its hard to describe how much I love her and what she means to me, but I guess that’s how it is for all parents. The words are never enough.

DSCF0962

I will never forget the day she was born, namely because she peed on me right away (gee, you’re welcome for pushing you out of my VAGINA). She was so tiny, so perfect.

Newborn Evelyn

E has grown up so much over the past two years and I can’t wait to see what her lifetime brings to her. I love you so much, E. Happy birthday sweet girl!

I need to file a missing person’s report.

If you read my post a couple days ago, you’d know that E and I have been traveling. It was a short flight so that was nice, but traveling just takes alot out of a person. Especially a small person who doesn’t have her own seat on the airplane.

E has been a cranky tired mess since we got home. She has pretty much cried non-stop. I’m guessing this is because she doesn’t have a constant playmate anymore like she did when we were visiting her cousins. Another reason why she really needs a sibling.

But now we are back to “real life.” Life after the chaos of experiencing multiple children in a household. I am back to the normal every day stresses of our home stuff, like WHERE THE F IS MY PERIOD?!

Yes, that is my main concern right now. Not my new day school in which I will have several little munchkins nipping at my heels three days a week. And not going back to school. And not this race I have in a month. Nope. Its totally and completely my damn Aunt Flo.

Aunt Flo

Except she’s missing. Stupid. 

Seriously, this chick is a skank. She never tells me when she’s coming, she’s ALWAYS late, and she hurts me like Chris Brown would if Rhianna was a uterus (too soon? Whoops). Its been 6 week post-D&C and I’ve been waiting. And waiting. And waiting for this chick to show. The stupid thing is I’ve been waking up almost every day saying, “Today’s the day!” like its my freaking wedding day (uterus style), but alas, she is still missing.

And the cops just laugh at me when I ask to file a missing person’s report on my period. Jerks.

Cops Laughing

Its not that I miss the cramps, bloating, and feeling like someone is stabbing me in my stomach. And I know J doesn’t miss the awesome moods she puts me in. But its that I have to sit here and wait for longer and longer to do any testing or to even *think* about TTC again until she rears her ugly little head.

Like I said- skank.

But, as one mom put it, all my issues with infertility have done *some* good. For one, I’m sharing my story with others. Also, I have been able to throw myself into things I’ve wanted to do for a long time but have put off because of baby making/not really baby making like fitness, starting my own business, and going back to school. So even though Aunt Flo is awful at RSVPing, at least she’s giving me a chance to cool my jets and focus on some good things for our family.

Oh, and uh, we’re planting trees today. Not like, “Oh let’s save the Earth and plant some trees,” type trees. We’re planting trees so we don’t have to look at people in our neighborhood. More like, “Get out of my face trees.” But they are apple, pear, and cherry trees so at least they will be bearing some fruit. Unlike someone else in this household (achem, myself…)

So I guess we’ve got alot going on. But its fun right now. And after a week of seeing life with 3 kids (really 4), I think I need to take a break from the idea of having more than one child. That was traumatizing.

Enjoy your weekend, ya’ll.

 

Hanes, stop showing me vaginas. Also, a revamp.

I don’t know if the commercial is THAT popular because the only commercials I ever see are for cleaning products and ABCmouse.com in between Dora episodes, but during J and mine’s “date weekend” I saw it like 15 times.

Take a looksie:

Seriously, all I could think about is, “Wow, they are getting really close to those girl’s vaginas.” And also, “How do they keep their bikini lines so smooth?” I really didn’t need to see all that in between Varsity Blues and Real Housewives of Orange County.

On another entirely different note, I’m revamping this bloggity-blog. Since I have started my home-based business, which is a homeschool preschool, I will be focusing on some of the activities we are doing here at “school.” I will be posting my ideas, lesson plans, and the healthy snack I will be making here for the kids.

I will still be talking about all things military related though. And fertility stuff. Or lack of fertility. And I’ll still be funny. Hopefully.

Here are some of the other things we will be talking about in the near future:

  • Every Friday and Monday I will be sharing the fan pages of some of my other favorite military bloggers. Check them out and “like” them on Facebook. If I like them, that means they are pretty cool. Obvi.
  • I have some feature articles coming up from other sites on current military issues. So stay tuned for those.
  • I will be adding some space for advertising as well as redoing the look of my blog. So if you’re interested in advertising (I’m cheap like Lindsey Lohan), contact me!

Sorry this is so short and jumbled but we’ve got alot going on lately and I feel like I barely have 10 minutes to sit down and write a comprehensive thought.

Anyways, stick around and tell your friends to come check me out. We have fun here.

Miley Cyrus reminded me what I need to make a baby

A foam finger. DUH.

Ugh. No, Miley…just. No.

And that was one of the tamer photos. Because this is a family-friendly blog ya’ll. Ain’t nobody got time for that sh*t.

Now that Hannah Montana has successfully ruined all the dreams of those parents that thought, “What a good role model for our child!” we are going to move on to more important things- me and baby making. Sans the foam finger. Sorry J.

Today I had my first visit with a reproductive endocronologist (RE). An RE is a big, fancy term for someone who knows all about reproductivity (but not like those cheesy 80s movies you watched in middle school…more legit expert) so you can baby make like the best of them.

Mrs. Duggar must have known about the foam finger.

Let’s first explain my ordeal to simply get to this appointment. I want to have it on record so any future children can feel guilty straight out of the womb.

First I had to drive the hour north to my parents house the night before because this “special” appointment is over 2 hours away from  where I live. And that’s without traffic. My appointment right smack dab in the middle of rush hour, so it would take me FOR.EV.ER to get there. A toddler in the car who *just* gave up her pacis while in the carseat and got woken up 2 hours early AND traffic of any kind is not good. So off to Nana’s house we went so she could watch E while I ventured on out to this appointment.

I decided to take the train to the hospital instead of drive because, again, traffic. So I got up at 545am to shower and get to the train station. With Starbucks in hand (of course), I took the hour and a half hour commute to the hospital. The train ride was ok except that I got motion sickness. But it was a hell of alot better sitting in bumper to bumper traffic.

FINALLY I was at the hospital, checked-in, and sitting down with my new doctor, Dr. C. She was pretty awesome. She listened to me while I vented about my frustration with my other doctors, the losses, and how I just wanted to do whatever I could to help me have a successful next pregnancy. She gave me a plan, and anyone who knows me knows I like to have a plan. So here it is:

  1. Immediatley- Today we checked my betas to make sure they were going down appropriately. Hopefully they are, so we will see in a few days.
  2. September- Once my cycle returns, I will go in for hormonal testing for PCOS, lipid panel, and FSH/LH/Estradiol/Prolactin/TSH on cycle day 3. I will also go in on cycle day 21-23 for progesterone testing.
  3. October- Once my second cycle comes I will make an appointment to do a saline sonogram to check and see if I have any septum in my uterus that is blocking a baby from getting the proper amount of blood flow. I will also do a repeat of the RPL testing, because apparently I wasn’t supposed to do that with HCG in my system even though my prior doctor told me I could. UGH.

Before I had my D&C I heard back from my original doctor about all the RPL testing that I got done that I shouldn’t have, and she told me everything came back normal except that I had a gene defect- MTHFR C6227. Or the motherf***er gene as I like to call it. I am on the “good” side of this gene defect in that mine is heterozygous. It basically means that I don’t metabolize folate well and I need an extra boost of that stuff. Right now I’m taking my regular prenatals, as well as vitamin B6 and eating a natural derivative of folic acid each day like spinach or quinoa.

Right now we are on hold to try and conceive  until about November. Dr. C wants me to go through 2 regular cycles so we can check on everything that needs checking, and make sure we are doing everything we can. Things that I may need to take in the future if they can’t find anything wrong (which happens about 70% of the time) are:

  • Baby aspirin- this helps with clotting disorders, if I have any. The tests in September will help to determine if I do, but she said that some people still take it “just in case” even if they don’t have any known disorders.
  • Extra folate- to make sure that the baby is getting what he/she needs through development.
  • Progesterone- if my levels come back low, she will put me on progesterone suppositories until about 8 weeks when/if I get pregnant. I already have a prescription from my original doc but Dr. C *kind of* alluded to the fact that she shouldn’t have prescribed that willy-nilly.

Its a lot of info, I know. But if you are going through something similar, maybe this will help give you an idea of what you should be listening to your RE or OB mention when you’re discussing the next steps.

I’m just glad that I now have a plan of attack. A plan of attack on my uterus.

 

I’m totally like the owl.

The last time we talked about my broken uterus, I hadn’t decided what we were going to do about moving on past the third miscarriage- wait it out, take meds, or surgery. After 3 weeks of waiting…and waiting…and waiting…I finally went ahead with the surgery. I heard so many horror stories about take cytotec or misoprisotol that I didn’t want to do that.

The type of surgery (for all you non-loss peeps) was a D&C- dilation and cutterage. Basically they dilate you and then scrape out everything from you uterus. Your stupid, broken uterus. It sounds kind of painful but for me it really was fine. I went into the hospital for out-patient surgery. Fifty people came in asking me the same.exact.questions to basically say, “Ok, so you’re healthy” (except that I didn’t feel healthy because I’M HAVING MY THIRD MISCARRIAGE) and then they gave me some happy drugs and off to sleep I went until everything was over.

J was there with Starbucks in hand when I woke up. He’s amazing, I know. I had to pee in a bucket, literally, before we were discharged but that didn’t take too long with the apple juice and coffee I was drinking. I had to be at surgery at 6:15am and we were walking out of the hospital by 10am. Not too shabby.

The physical part of the surgery was fine. It wasn’t painful, I didn’t bleed very much at all (sorry if that’s TMI), and my doctors have been great. Emotionally, however, things were quite sucky there for awhile.

Since I felt fine physically, I thought I should be fine. I should act normal. Nothing was wrong because nothing hurt. But I was still sad. I was that we went through another miscarriage. I was sad that I can’t announce our pregnancy on Facebook. I was sad that any and all plans for another baby were put on hold once again.

After a few days and a few really big hugs from J and E, I felt better. After alot of pondering during my sleepless nights, I decided to take this opportunity of not creating a baby in my uterus to accomplish some goals of mine.

  1. Get fit- Through the three pregnancies and miscarriages, I let go of my personal fitness and healthy eating. First I’d be all like, “Oh I’m pregnant! I can eat what I want! And I shouldn’t run because I might shake the baby out.” Then I’d have a  miscarriage and I’d be all like, “Damn it, I’m going to eat what I want and watch The Kardashians instead.” Repeat that times 3. So with baby making on hold until we find out what’s going on with me, I decided to take the time to get back in shape. I’ve been doing pretty good with running, strength training, or yoga 6xs/week. Along with eating much healthier and not eating a ton of crap at night, I’ve already lost about 5 pounds. J and I even signed up for our first race together- the Marine Corps Marathon 10k!
  2. Start an at home business- Being a stay-at-home mom with a teaching degree, working from home is limited. But I still wanted to do something to keep my resume up to date, help socialize Evelyn, and generate some income for our family. So I decided to start a mom’s day out program where I will take a few kids three days a week to provide them with socialization in an academic environment. More kids = more fun! Or more gray hairs for me. All debatable.
  3. Go back to school- Yes, I already have a degree and a license in a particular field but finding jobs right now is impossible. I’ve always wanted to explore nursing and I feel that its more transferable then teaching. And since we move all the time, I need something that will be able to come with me. So grab your Dora backpack, we’re going back to school!

See, I’m totally like the owl.

I hope you stick around to see how this all pans out for me. I also have some really great home reveals coming up. Stick around. Its going to be pretty awesome.

What is happening in my uterus?!

Last week was another very confusing and very frustrating week. On Wednesday after E woke up from her nap I was having alot of pain on my right lower abdomen. Like -I can’t stand, I can’t walk, why can’t you get your own damn milk by now E- type of pain. Since I had been worried about an ectopic pregnancy (where the embryo grows outside your uterus) I knew that this was a symptom. After deliberating as to whether I could suck it up until J got home or until the next day when I was having a follow-up ultrasound anyways, I decided to head to the ER. My worst fear was something rupturing in the middle of the night or while I was alone with E. And the pain was just unbelievable. I felt like someone was stabbing me in my ovary. Or twisting it. Nice.

Luckily my good friend L arrived to our new duty station and lives *kind of* close. She insisted on meeting me at the hospital so she could watch E until J got there. I gave a call to J at work and left a message, and off the hospital I went.

If you’ve ever been to an ER you know things can take FOR.EV.ER. And they did. Roughly 5 hours later I was finally walking out of there with a hell of a lot more questions than answers.

After some poking and prodding, blood drawing, and an ultrasound I found out that the pain was from a super cyst on my ovary. Good news was that it was not because some organ was rupturing. Confusing news was that I had a gestational sac measuring 7 weeks and 4 days in my uterus and my HCG level had jumped almost 5,000 points to over 20,000.

Now, if you’ve been reading you know that a week and a half before that my doctor had told me that my uterus was as blank as a kindergartener in geometry class. Literally nothing in my uterus. At first J and I thought this was good news. But in the back of my mind I knew something wasn’t right because they should have seen something inside the sac, but they didn’t- just an empty sac.

So of course I was sent home to Google my ass off. I found out that what I probably have is a blighted ovum- where the gestational sac and placenta continue to grow even though no embryo/baby grows. That’s why my numbers are increasing. Of course we still held out some hope that for some reason the ultrasound tech measured the sac wrong, or that things were taking a turn for the better and that’s why my numbers jumped up all of a sudden.

The next day I had my scheduled follow-up ultrasound so I figured I’d get some more answers then. Right off the bat my doctor and I weren’t getting along. She questioned why I felt the need to go to the ER because I knew I had a cyst. Then she didn’t want to do my ultrasound because “the ER obviously answered your questions, so have you thought about a D&C?” (D&C is a surgery to remove any tissue resulting from the pregnancy). We had some…choice words to one another and she finally did the ultrasound.

Guess what she saw? NOTHING. Not even a sac.

Again, some choice words were said- basically me telling her that I didn’t understand how she ever can detect a pregnancy with that machine if she literally can’t see anything inside my uterus when I had just been told the night before that there was a large sac in there- so I asked for a second opinion at the sister hospital. She got me one for that day, so off I went.

I loved the doctor I saw at the hospital. She was young, nice, understanding, and talked me through everything. Well, push comes to shove she also found an empty sac. It was heart-breaking news but it wasn’t totally unexpected. I knew something had to be wrong, but I wanted confirmation before J and I decide how to proceed with everything. I walked out of there with two new official diagnoses: a blighted ovum and secondary infertility. Awesome.

So now we are still in the waiting game until we get the test results from our RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) testing. I don’t know what it will find, if anything. Part of me wants an answer, but part of me is afraid that the answer may be something that we can’t fix. I’ve already started looking into IUI’s and IVF, and what Tricare covers (or doesn’t cover is more like it) only to educate myself. I want to get an appointment with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist), who is a fertility specialist, but I guess I’ll see what happens with the results of the testing.

As for my emotions- they are all over the place. Sometimes I have pity parties for one where I seriously can’t believe we are in this position. Other times I feel ok and I feel like we can move on. Pregnant women make me sad and sometimes angry (sorry, but true) but seeing little babies makes me think that maybe those women have stories I don’t know about and that will be me one day *cue tears*

I think this whole process is harder for J than me. Part of him still feels hopeful for this current pregnancy but he didn’t see that sac o’ emptiness last week. I also know that he doesn’t feel totally comfortable with me writing about this stuff, but he also understands why I do it- its an outlet for me AND I feel like its important to get women’s stories out there so that we can share experiences. After all, all my Google searching these past couple weeks (ok, always) are for other people’s stories like mine. If they didn’t share their stories I think I’d still be lost.

This post is seriously getting to be a novel, so I’m going to shut it down like the latest season of RHNJ.

If there are any women that read or follow my blog that want to share their stories of miscarriage/pregnancy loss but don’t have the forum to do so, please email me at barefootandboots at gmail dot com. I would love to share your story so that others may have answers and hope

Third time is *not* the charm

I’m sorry for my absence in both regular posts and meal planning these past two weeks but our family has been dealing with some, well, sh*tty news. We found out that we are going through our third, yes, THIRD miscarriage in a row. BLEGH.

I wrote an email to some of my family members to tell them about it because the phone call was too hard to make. And its still kind of hard to talk about now so I’m just going to basically relay to you what I told them. If you have just started following me and don’t know about my other two miscarriages, take a look here or just read below. Perhaps one day in the future I will talk more about how I’m feeling and everything, but right now I just don’t feel up to it all.  But I do feel like its important for women to feel like they can talk about their experiences, their hurt, and their losses together so I am sharing with the world what is going on with me. For some reason its reassuring to read other people’s stories if only to learn you’re not alone.

So here it goes….

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I am now considered “high risk” because we have hit that magic/awful number of three. Only 1% of women experience repeat or recurrent miscarriages (more than 3 in a row) and now I’m part of that 1%.

The first miscarriage was so early we didn’t even know we were pregnant yet. It happened on Christmas Day and we didn’t realize it was a miscarriage until we got back home  and I got a positive test. My doctor found this odd so we tested my HCG levels and they were dropping. The second miscarriage happened about 5 weeks after that at the end of February. That one was a little later, probably about 6 weeks. When I went to get a confirmation at the doctor’s it came back negative and I knew something was up. After quite a bit of pushing them to do something, they finally drew my levels and they were dropping again. At that point my doctor wasn’t worried. She thought they were both flukes and that maybe my body wasn’t ready so soon after the first miscarriage.

This last pregnancy has been the hardest because its been the longest. I am supposed to be about 8 weeks. We found out at the end of June and everything was going really smoothly (or maybe rough if you asked J- I was a little moody).  I had consistent symptoms and every home pregnancy test I took showed up right away and was really dark, so we were pretty confident things were going well. But we had our first ultrasound yesterday and immediately we knew something was wrong. Nothing came up on the screen. At this point, since my first positive test was a month ago, I knew we should see something but there was nothing there. No fetal pole, no yolk sac, nothing. It has been really, really hard these past couple of days because everything seemed to be going well. Its been a difficult time as you can probably imagine.

Since we  have had so many miscarriages in a row, the doctors think that it is more than just a random event. I got my levels drawn yesterday and I have to get them drawn again to see if they are going down. There are several different factors that can cause repeated miscarriages such as autoimmune diseases, chromosome abnormalities, uterine abnormalities, and low hormone levels. J and I are going to get blood tests done to check all these things. My doctor suspects that they are probably going to come back normal because E was such a textbook pregnancy and birth. She mentioned, and I have read, that 50%-70% of repeated miscarriages are never formally diagnosed with a specific issue.

In order to take precaution with the next pregnancy, whenever that may be and depending on the results of these tests, I will be taking progesterone supplements as well as baby aspirin. Right now we are playing a waiting game to see if I miscarry naturally again or if I need to take other measures such as medication or surgery. Since no baby grew at all and my body still hasn’t miscarried naturally, we are leaning towards surgery because there is a risk of infection. One other scary and fatal cause of nothing being seen at all in my uterus at the ultrasound is an ectopic pregnancy. The doctors don’t think its ectopic but they aren’t totally ruling it out.

So right now we are just waiting to get test results back and decide how we want things to proceed in terms of expanding our family. I will share as things progress.

We appreciate any prayers, good thoughts, good vibes, etc that you can send our way.

As always, thanks for reading and supporting me in all this craziness.